narining nyo na ba yung term na last song syndrome? bueno, kung ikaw ay lumaki during the ’70’s, bibigyan kita ng magandang last song syndrome song that will bug you for the rest of the day. ARE YOU READY? here it is… click nyo na lang yung kanta below para masaya.
(guitar intro: trang-ta-ra-rang-rang-rang)
muli na naman tayong magbalik-tanaw sa mga childhood ala-ala na bigla na lang sumusulpot pag nangungulangot. ito’y pagpapatuloy sa ating radio drama series na pinamagatang “ZEBRA CROSSING BLUES”.
isang umaga, sa isang grade one social studies class, school year 1973:
teacher: “ano ang tawag sa tinatawiran ng mga tao sa kalye na guhit-guhit?”
batjay : “maam, maam. jaywalking! jaywalking!”
teacher: “gago, gusto mong mahuli ka ng pulis.”
THE END. ang pagbabalik tanaw na ito ay handog sa inyo ng “RUBY BLADE POMADE. ang pomada ng mga nag-aahit“.
nag present ako ngayong linggo ng isang technical paper sa isang conference dito sa singapore. bongga nga eh (may $650 entrance fee para sa mga utu-utong gustong makinig). kung kaya, i had to break one of the sacred rules of the batjay manifesto – “don’t wear a business suit in a tropical country lest you sweat like hell and smell like hinog na langka“.
for all my preparations (make-up, manicure, kulot with haircut na pantay ang patilla, late night rehersals in front of my sleepy wife), all i got was (not a t-shirt, dummy) a stainless steel cork screw in a fancy box. TO THE ORGANIZERS: i got your subtle message, thank you very much.
event highlight: nakalimutan ng isang speaker tanggalin yung wireless clip microphone pagkatapos niyang magsalita. tuloy tuloy na lumabas sa conference room habang naririnig namin sa sound system ang conversation niya sa kanyang kasama. parang tumuloy pa nga ata siya sa banyo dahil narinig kong nag flush ang toilet, afterwards mga kaluskos sounds, pregnant pause at barely audible na “oh shit, i forgot to take the microphone off“.
lahat ng application forms dito, tinatanong ang “race“. nang una nga akong nag apply for an employment pass, medyo natigilan ako. there it was in the form, “RACE: ____________”. pakingsheet, what’s my race? ni hindi ko alam kung anong race ako. brown race? human race? “kayumanggi race”? “filipino race”? “kapampangan”?
bigla kong naalala yung libro ni rafael palma tungkol kay rizal na “pride of the malay race” . naisip ko, kung si rizal ay pride ng malay race, ergo: malay race din ako. kaya ayun, nilagay ko sa application (if i might add, with a lot of trepidation and unease)… “RACE: Malay “.
ilalagay ko sana: “RACE: Malay ko?“.
as in walang ka Malay-Malay kung ano ang race niya. nagdalawang isip lang ako, baka dahil sa pagka pilosopo ko eh mapa uwi ako ng wala sa oras. alam ko na rin ang root cause kung bakit tinatanong ito rito. mahabang storya, pero ang summary ay medyo orwellian. right or wrong, ganito ang style dito sa singapore and they have had great success from this approach so far. but at what cost? now that IS the question.
tanong: are you filipino?
sagot: it depends
tanong: what do you do?
sagot: fine, thank you.
tanong: no you don’t understand. what’s your job?
sagot: ahhh. i used to be a sexy macho dancer, but now i’m just a gigolo.
tanong: all filipinos are good singers. can you sing?
sagot: better than you!
tanong: can you sing “anak“?
sagot: anak ka ng ina mo!
tanong: ni shuo shenme?
sagot: i’m sorry i don’t speak chinese
tanong: how is president estrada?
sagot: fine, thank you. still in jail.
tanong: who is fernando poe?
sagot: he is flavio, ang panday
tanong: what’s the weather like in the philippines?
sagot: hot
tanong: where is the philippines?
sagot: far away from uranus
tanong: what’s the population of the philippines?
sagot: well, there’s me and my wife. then there’s…
tanong: will i get kidnapped if i go to manila?
sagot: i’ll make sure that you do
tanong: are you abu sayyaf?
sagot: you want me to cut your fucking head off?
tanong: is the philippine economy still bad?
sagot: yes, but we smell better than you
white guy: (in a very slow condescending tone) caaaaan yooooou speeeeak eeeeenglish?
sagot: (mimicking prince charles) i say, old chap, is this english enough for you?
white guy: wow, you speak good english!
sagot: so do you
white guy: where’d you learn to speak such good english?
sagot: sesame street
tanong: are you filipino?
sagot: it depends
tanong: what do you do?
sagot: fine, thank you.
tanong: no you don’t understand. what’s your job?
sagot: ahhh. i used to be a sexy macho dancer, but now i’m just a gigolo.
tanong: all filipinos are good singers. can you sing?
sagot: better than you!
tanong: can you sing “anak“?
sagot: anak ka ng ina mo!
tanong: ni shuo shenme?
sagot: i’m sorry i don’t speak chinese
tanong: how is president estrada?
sagot: fine, thank you. still in jail.
tanong: who is fernando poe?
sagot: he is flavio, ang panday
tanong: what’s the weather like in the philippines?
sagot: hot
tanong: where is the philippines?
sagot: far away from uranus
tanong: what’s the population of the philippines?
sagot: well, there’s me and my wife. then there’s…
tanong: will i get kidnapped if i go to manila?
sagot: i’ll make sure that you do
tanong: are you abu sayyaf?
sagot: you want me to cut your fucking head off?
tanong: is the philippine economy still bad?
sagot: yes, but we smell better than you
white guy: (in a very slow condescending tone) caaaaan yooooou speeeeak eeeeenglish?
sagot: (mimicking prince charles) i say, old chap, is this english enough for you?
white guy: wow, you speak good english!
sagot: so do you
white guy: where’d you learn to speak such good english?
sagot: sesame street
nung nagtatrabaho pa ako sa pilipinas, marami kaming mga projects where foreigners get involved. eh di siyempre kasama rin namin silang kumain.
one time, ang isa sa mga ulam namin ay dinuguan. nagtanong etong si curious white boy “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?“, pointing to the really thick and very black dinuguan.
“ah that…” , sabi ng isa naming tao na di masyadong marunong mag english, “that, my friend, is a menstruation dish”.
may taboo na rin ako sa pagkain, recently developed actually. di na ako kumakain ng hipon. may allergy kasi ako sa shrimp na dito lang lumabas sa singapore. pag may nagtanong sa akin, sinasabi ko na lang “its against my religion to eat shrimps“. pag may nagtanong kung bakit, sinasabi ko na lang: i belong to a religion called “iglesia ni kulafu” o kaya “saksi ni tarzan” (depende sa mood ko), and we believe that shrimps are sacred.
normally after that, it is pointless for them to ask further questions.
sobra ngang variety ng mga cultura dito sa singapore kaya ang pinakamalaking problema pag nag sponsor kami ng conference ay ang menu. we have to prepare special food for everybody. for the muslims – bukod sa walang baboy ay dapat “halal” (the jews have their own equivalent: “kosher“). karamihan naman ng mga bumbay ay vegetarian, kaya may special meal na walang karne. yung mga hindu at buddhist ay di naman pwede ang beef, so may special dish din para sa kanila. yung mga amerikano at australians, ayaw ng asian kaya dapat may western food, typically beef (ie, steaks and hamburgers for you, joe).
pinoys? tangina, kainin ko ngang lahat ang mga pagkain nila.
ang kinaiinisan ko lang eh, sometimes you take pains preparing a “culturally correct” meal and the frigging people don’t even touch the food. pag nabuwisit ako, next time sasabihin ko “bring your own baon” na lang. i swear to god, there are people that are so: what’s the word? uhm, picky, fussy, fastidious, finicky, persnickety (i love this word) when they eat outside of their own country. it annoys me.
holiday ngayon sa singapore. end of ramadan (ang bahasa term ay “Hari Raya Puasa“). siyempre end na rin ng fasting ng mga muslim. ano bang “fasting” sa tagalog? “bilisan mo”. ngyahawhaw (TV CANNED LAUGHTER).
‘nga pala, before i proceed, allow me to greet our muslim friends all over the world (isama na natin si bwakanginang kotong boy na nangikil sa akin last week sa indonesia) – “Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!”
hinahangaan ko ang mga taong may self control na hindi uminom, kumain (at makipag sex) during the hours of fasting during ramadan. lalo na para sa mga muslim sa southeast asia, na kung saan napaka init.
malakas akong uminom ng tubig and the idea that i will not be able to drink any during a hot day is certainly very terrifying. ISA PA, mahirap tanggihan ang aking mga very powerful eating urges (LALO NA) pag natapat ako sa coffee shop na nagtitinda ng malalaking slice ng cheese cake.
