AN OVERSEAS PINOY’S SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

tanong: are you filipino?
sagot: it depends

tanong: what do you do?
sagot: fine, thank you.

tanong: no you don’t understand. what’s your job?
sagot: ahhh. i used to be a sexy macho dancer, but now i’m just a gigolo.

tanong: all filipinos are good singers. can you sing?
sagot: better than you!

tanong: can you sing “anak“?
sagot: anak ka ng ina mo!

tanong: ni shuo shenme?
sagot: i’m sorry i don’t speak chinese

tanong: how is president estrada?
sagot: fine, thank you. still in jail.

tanong: who is fernando poe?
sagot: he is flavio, ang panday

tanong: what’s the weather like in the philippines?
sagot: hot

tanong: where is the philippines?
sagot: far away from uranus

tanong: what’s the population of the philippines?
sagot: well, there’s me and my wife. then there’s…

tanong: will i get kidnapped if i go to manila?
sagot: i’ll make sure that you do

tanong: are you abu sayyaf?
sagot: you want me to cut your fucking head off?

tanong: is the philippine economy still bad?
sagot: yes, but we smell better than you

white guy: (in a very slow condescending tone) caaaaan yooooou speeeeak eeeeenglish?
sagot: (mimicking prince charles) i say, old chap, is this english enough for you?

white guy: wow, you speak good english!
sagot: so do you

white guy: where’d you learn to speak such good english?
sagot: sesame street

AN OVERSEAS PINOY'S SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

tanong: are you filipino?
sagot: it depends

tanong: what do you do?
sagot: fine, thank you.

tanong: no you don’t understand. what’s your job?
sagot: ahhh. i used to be a sexy macho dancer, but now i’m just a gigolo.

tanong: all filipinos are good singers. can you sing?
sagot: better than you!

tanong: can you sing “anak“?
sagot: anak ka ng ina mo!

tanong: ni shuo shenme?
sagot: i’m sorry i don’t speak chinese

tanong: how is president estrada?
sagot: fine, thank you. still in jail.

tanong: who is fernando poe?
sagot: he is flavio, ang panday

tanong: what’s the weather like in the philippines?
sagot: hot

tanong: where is the philippines?
sagot: far away from uranus

tanong: what’s the population of the philippines?
sagot: well, there’s me and my wife. then there’s…

tanong: will i get kidnapped if i go to manila?
sagot: i’ll make sure that you do

tanong: are you abu sayyaf?
sagot: you want me to cut your fucking head off?

tanong: is the philippine economy still bad?
sagot: yes, but we smell better than you

white guy: (in a very slow condescending tone) caaaaan yooooou speeeeak eeeeenglish?
sagot: (mimicking prince charles) i say, old chap, is this english enough for you?

white guy: wow, you speak good english!
sagot: so do you

white guy: where’d you learn to speak such good english?
sagot: sesame street

WHAT IS DINUGUAN IN ENGLISH?

nung nagtatrabaho pa ako sa pilipinas, marami kaming mga projects where foreigners get involved. eh di siyempre kasama rin namin silang kumain.

one time, ang isa sa mga ulam namin ay dinuguan. nagtanong etong si curious white boy “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?, pointing to the really thick and very black dinuguan.

“ah that…” , sabi ng isa naming tao na di masyadong marunong mag english, “that, my friend, is a menstruation dish”.

THE SWEETEST EATING TABOO

may taboo na rin ako sa pagkain, recently developed actually. di na ako kumakain ng hipon. may allergy kasi ako sa shrimp na dito lang lumabas sa singapore. pag may nagtanong sa akin, sinasabi ko na lang “its against my religion to eat shrimps“. pag may nagtanong kung bakit, sinasabi ko na lang: i belong to a religion called “iglesia ni kulafu” o kaya “saksi ni tarzan” (depende sa mood ko), and we believe that shrimps are sacred.

normally after that, it is pointless for them to ask further questions.

PREPARING THE MENU OF A REGIONAL CONFERENCE

sobra ngang variety ng mga cultura dito sa singapore kaya ang pinakamalaking problema pag nag sponsor kami ng conference ay ang menu. we have to prepare special food for everybody. for the muslims – bukod sa walang baboy ay dapat “halal” (the jews have their own equivalent: “kosher“). karamihan naman ng mga bumbay ay vegetarian, kaya may special meal na walang karne. yung mga hindu at buddhist ay di naman pwede ang beef, so may special dish din para sa kanila. yung mga amerikano at australians, ayaw ng asian kaya dapat may western food, typically beef (ie, steaks and hamburgers for you, joe).

pinoys? tangina, kainin ko ngang lahat ang mga pagkain nila.

ang kinaiinisan ko lang eh, sometimes you take pains preparing a “culturally correct” meal and the frigging people don’t even touch the food. pag nabuwisit ako, next time sasabihin ko “bring your own baon” na lang. i swear to god, there are people that are so: what’s the word? uhm, picky, fussy, fastidious, finicky, persnickety (i love this word) when they eat outside of their own country. it annoys me.

BREAK FAST, EAT CHEESE CAKE

holiday ngayon sa singapore. end of ramadan (ang bahasa term ay “Hari Raya Puasa“). siyempre end na rin ng fasting ng mga muslim. ano bang “fasting” sa tagalog? “bilisan mo”. ngyahawhaw (TV CANNED LAUGHTER).

‘nga pala, before i proceed, allow me to greet our muslim friends all over the world (isama na natin si bwakanginang kotong boy na nangikil sa akin last week sa indonesia) – “Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

hinahangaan ko ang mga taong may self control na hindi uminom, kumain (at makipag sex) during the hours of fasting during ramadan. lalo na para sa mga muslim sa southeast asia, na kung saan napaka init.

malakas akong uminom ng tubig and the idea that i will not be able to drink any during a hot day is certainly very terrifying. ISA PA, mahirap tanggihan ang aking mga very powerful eating urges (LALO NA) pag natapat ako sa coffee shop na nagtitinda ng malalaking slice ng cheese cake.

ANDYAN NANG MGA HAPON

kagabi, nag baby sit ako ng mga bisita dahil dumalaw ang counterpart ko from our japan office na si tosaka san. kasama niya ang kanyang asawa na si mrs. tosaka san.

nagpunta sila sa opis na may bitbit na extra special sake, na pagkatapos ng walang katapusang nakakahilong pag bow, ay ibinigay sa akin. hehe. nakakahiya sa boss ko, dahil ako lang ang may pasalubong. eh sabi ko na lang sa kanya: “pagpasensyahan mo na… kahit mas kyut ako sa iyo, mas malaki naman ang sweldo mo kaysa sa akin“.

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