Category Archives: SNAPPY ANSWERS

ZEN AND THE ART OF BICYCLE MAINTENANCE

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dalawang araw na akong nagbibisikleta papasok sa trabaho. so far, ok naman. mabilis akong nakakarating sa opisina at maaga akong nakakauwi. nakakatipid ako ng pera at mas healthy pa. pakiwari ko, mga 6 months pa, pwede na talaga akong maging star performer sa gay bar. parati kong sinasabi ito – biking is exhilarating. pero bukod dito, binibigyan ka pa niya ng chance na mag reflect. this is important kasi ang dami mong bullshit na natatanggap as you do your work and the time spent alone to think clearly is precious. ito ang listahan ng mga natutunan ko habang nagmumuni-muni pag nagbibisikleta…

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If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens

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BATJAY: ano ang tawag sa pekpek ng mga lalaking nagpa sex change operation?
GENTLE READER: sirit
BATJAY: mangina
GENTLE READER: eh paano kung hindi siya naliligo?
BATJAY: marami siyang kupal
GENTLE READER: ano ang tawag doon
BATJAY: smegmatic man-gina

A BRAVE MAN ONCE REQUESTED ME, TO ANSWER QUESTIONS THAT ARE KEY

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gentle reader: dear unkyel batjay, nakita ko po kayo kagabi sa clinic. ano po ang nangyari?

batjay: ako nga yung nasa clinic kagabi. nagpakapon kasi ako.

gentle reader: aybegyorpardon, ano po yon?

batjay: nagpatanggal ng betlog – nagpakapon. gusto ko kasing sumali sa vienna boy’s choir.

gentle reader: seriously…

batjay: sige na nga – nagpa circumcise ako.

gentle reader: parang yung kay magellan?

batjay: haha – corny. circumnavigate yong ginawa niya. tuli yung sinasabi ko. nagpatuli ako.

gentle reader: seriously…

batjay: ALLERGY – sinumpong na naman ako.

gentle reader: eh di supot pa rin kayo hanggang ngayon?

batjay: ganon na nga. supot na, kamot pa ng kamot.

BATJAY’S SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID FOREIGNER’S QUESTIONS, PART 3

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foreigner: so, where you from?
batjay: philippines

foreigner: ah, filipino. PARE!
batjay: inaanak ko bang anak mo?

foreigner: huh?
batjay: sorry just talking to myself. what’s your question?

foreigner: what do you call that gross egg you like to eat?
batjay: betlog

foreigner: no. the one coming from the duck.
batjay: duck betlog

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STILL MORE OVERSEAS PINOY’S SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

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tanong: why is the population of the philippines so big?
sagot: because, unlike you, we easily have erections even in old age.

tanong: are there beaches in the philippines?
sagot: it’s a frigging archipelago, stupid.

tanong: what is an archipelago?
sagot: etong piso, maghanap ka ng makakausap mo. bobo.

tanong: you are filipino correct? are you a musician?
sagot: i play with my organ everyday.

tanong: why are you filipinos so noisy?
sagot: because we don’t fart in public as much as you.

tanong: hi i’m offering some insurance policy. where is your “ma’am”?
sagot: you just lost your sale moron, i am the ma’am of this house!

tanong: don’t call me “ma’am”, only my maid calls me “ma’am”.
sagot: yes sir.

tanong: are you filipino? my maid is a filipino.
sagot: tanginamo. so? you want me to make you coffee?

tanong: so, where in the philippines can i find a good filipino maid?
sagot: try uranus.

tanong: why is your water consumption so big when there’s only 2 of you?
sagot: i think it’s because we take a bath everyday.

AN OVERSEAS PINOY’S SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

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tanong: are you filipino?
sagot: it depends

tanong: what do you do?
sagot: fine, thank you.

tanong: no you don’t understand. what’s your job?
sagot: ahhh. i used to be a sexy macho dancer, but now i’m just a gigolo.

tanong: all filipinos are good singers. can you sing?
sagot: better than you!

tanong: can you sing “anak“?
sagot: anak ka ng ina mo!

tanong: ni shuo shenme?
sagot: i’m sorry i don’t speak chinese

tanong: how is president estrada?
sagot: fine, thank you. still in jail.

tanong: who is fernando poe?
sagot: he is flavio, ang panday

tanong: what’s the weather like in the philippines?
sagot: hot

tanong: where is the philippines?
sagot: far away from uranus

tanong: what’s the population of the philippines?
sagot: well, there’s me and my wife. then there’s…

tanong: will i get kidnapped if i go to manila?
sagot: i’ll make sure that you do

tanong: are you abu sayyaf?
sagot: you want me to cut your fucking head off?

tanong: is the philippine economy still bad?
sagot: yes, but we smell better than you

white guy: (in a very slow condescending tone) caaaaan yooooou speeeeak eeeeenglish?
sagot: (mimicking prince charles) i say, old chap, is this english enough for you?

white guy: wow, you speak good english!
sagot: so do you

white guy: where’d you learn to speak such good english?
sagot: sesame street

ROAD TRIP PLAYLIST

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mga kantang dapat patugtugin sa kotseng papuntang baguio:

baliintawak to tarlac:
1. born to be wild, steppenwolf
2. roll on down the highway, bto
3. highway star, deep purple
4. i feel fine, the beatles
5. rock and roll, led zeppelin
6. ramblin man, allman brothers band
7. the end of the world as we know it, rem
8. not fragile, bto
9. smoke on the water, deep purple
10. you ain’t seen nothin yet, bto
11. bad to the bone, george thorogood
12. the road, jackson browne
13. black mercedes benz, the breed
14. born to run, bruce springsteen
15. hoochie coochie man, eric clapton version
16. break on through, the doors
17. runaway, del shannon
18. jessica, allman brothers band

tarlac to pangasinan:
1. on the road again, willy nelson
2. still the same, bob segar
3. reklamo ng reklamo, jerks
4. probinsyana, anak bayan
5. laguna, sampaguita
6. the thrill is gone, bb king
7. mannish boy, muddy waters
8. layla, eric clapton
9. we got to get out of this place, animals
10. love is stronger than justice, sting
11. the lion sleeps tonight, the four seasons
12. walk on the wild side, lou reed
13. 500 miles, proclaimers
14. gotta serve somebody, bob dylan
15. love street, doors
16. summerfling, kd lang
17. watching the wheels, john lennon

pangasinan to baguio:
1. love needs a heart, jackson browne
2. helplessly hoping, csny
3. birds, neil young
4. damdaming nakabitin, asin
5. circle game, joni mitchell
6. tao, sampaguita
7. ain’t no mountain high enough, marvin gay
8. everybody hurts, rem
9. a day in the life, the beatles
10. kun’ di man, jerks
11. just a song before i go, csn
12. man on the moon, rem
13. after the gold rush, neil young
14. agains the wind, bob seger
15. let it grow, eric clapton
16. what a wonderful world, louis armstrong