Babangon ako sa kama tuwing umaga at bubuntong hininga.

Pagtagal, mawawala na rin ang kirot at pagsikip ng hininga.

Darating kasi ang araw na hindi ko na kailangang isipin kung paano ako nagkaroon ng isang mahusay at perpektong buhay kasama ka.

kapag umuwi nang lahat ng mga kaibigan mo at ikaw na lang mag-isa, doon lumalabas ang mga demonyo.

I returned home to find a little peace — not to forget about losing my wife, but to find solace in memories that no longer bring constant tears.

For me, it means indulging in the food we loved and being surrounded by family and friends who genuinely care and support me, rather than just being curious about the misery of my newfound solitude.

Sinita ako ng TSA dito sa DFW airport. May nakita kasi sila sa X-ray kaya binuksan nila ang carry-on bag ko.

“I’m sorry for your loss” ang bati sa akin ng officer habang sinasara ang bag ko, pagkatapos ng inspection.

“Thank you, I’m taking my wife home” – sabay iwas tingin dahil malapit na akong maiyak.

Small human gestures from total strangers touch me the most.

Napipikon ako pag may nagtatanong kung kailan ang memorial ni Jet at disappointed sila pag sinabi kong sa Maynila gagawin at sa Enero, dahil hindi sila available.

Para naman kasing umiikot ang mundo sa kanila at kailangan kong palitan ang schedule ng memorial ng asawa ko para sa kanila.

Birthday ni Jet sa January. Angkop lang na sa petsang ito gagawin at sa lugar na kanyang pinakamamahal.

the business of death is difficult. you close your spouse’s accounts, pay her bills, cancel subscriptions, talk to insurance providers, and arrange funerals. all the while you’re doing this, you are grieving and every mention of her name breaks your heart.

When in sorrow, turn to a Beatles song.

Eleanor Rigby
Waits at the window
Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door

In my deepest grief I put on a mask.

I eat alone now and it fucking sucks.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

It’s been a struggle. I thought it’d be easier because I’ve been bracing for my wife’s death since her cancer diagnosis last year.

When it came though, it came with a fury and with such fucking forceful torment that it knocked me off my feet. I can still function, joke around and somehow show a semblance of normalcy but inside me is a deep, dark, and agonizing pain.