STILL MORE OVERSEAS PINOY’S SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

tanong: why is the population of the philippines so big?
sagot: because, unlike you, we easily have erections even in old age.

tanong: are there beaches in the philippines?
sagot: it’s a frigging archipelago, stupid.

tanong: what is an archipelago?
sagot: etong piso, maghanap ka ng makakausap mo. bobo.

tanong: you are filipino correct? are you a musician?
sagot: i play with my organ everyday.

tanong: why are you filipinos so noisy?
sagot: because we don’t fart in public as much as you.

tanong: hi i’m offering some insurance policy. where is your “ma’am”?
sagot: you just lost your sale moron, i am the ma’am of this house!

tanong: don’t call me “ma’am”, only my maid calls me “ma’am”.
sagot: yes sir.

tanong: are you filipino? my maid is a filipino.
sagot: tanginamo. so? you want me to make you coffee?

tanong: so, where in the philippines can i find a good filipino maid?
sagot: try uranus.

tanong: why is your water consumption so big when there’s only 2 of you?
sagot: i think it’s because we take a bath everyday.

STILL MORE OVERSEAS PINOY'S SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

tanong: why is the population of the philippines so big?
sagot: because, unlike you, we easily have erections even in old age.

tanong: are there beaches in the philippines?
sagot: it’s a frigging archipelago, stupid.

tanong: what is an archipelago?
sagot: etong piso, maghanap ka ng makakausap mo. bobo.

tanong: you are filipino correct? are you a musician?
sagot: i play with my organ everyday.

tanong: why are you filipinos so noisy?
sagot: because we don’t fart in public as much as you.

tanong: hi i’m offering some insurance policy. where is your “ma’am”?
sagot: you just lost your sale moron, i am the ma’am of this house!

tanong: don’t call me “ma’am”, only my maid calls me “ma’am”.
sagot: yes sir.

tanong: are you filipino? my maid is a filipino.
sagot: tanginamo. so? you want me to make you coffee?

tanong: so, where in the philippines can i find a good filipino maid?
sagot: try uranus.

tanong: why is your water consumption so big when there’s only 2 of you?
sagot: i think it’s because we take a bath everyday.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

sabi ni ambeth ocampo, si teodoro agoncillo raw eh asar na asar sa mga historical markers na nakakalat sa maynila patungkol kay jose rizal. eh pati raw yung inihian ni rizal na pader ay gusto nilang lagyan ng marker. hehe. pag naging sikat na ako - eto ang gusto kong historical marker sa bahay na tinirahan ko.
sabi ni ambeth ocampo, asar na asar daw si teodoro agoncillo sa dami ng historical markers na nakakalat sa maynila patungkol kay jose rizal. eh ultimo raw yung inihian ni rizal na pader ay gusto nilang lagyan ng marker. hehe. pag naging sikat na ako – eto ang gusto kong historical marker sa tirahan ko. ak-shu-li, naka-paskil na itong sign sa bahay namin. so, problema ko na lang ngayon ay maging sikat.

anyway, pag pumasok ka sa munting dampa namin sa antipolo, ito ang nakapako sa pader ng main living room. this is my peborit karatula dahil simpleng nakakatawa. more importantly, regalo sa akin ito ni jet.

marami nang pader na nasabitan ang karatulang ito – kung saan saang opisina at kung saan saang project site sa maraming probinsya sa pilpinas. matagal din itong nakapaskil sa aming library. i’m sure in the future it will be moved to another place, another room, another wall… parang kanta sa evita: “So what happens now? Another suitcase in another hall. So what happens now? Take your picture off another wall. Where am I going to?”

KINDERGARTEN PHOTO, SCHOOL YEAR 1971-72

CLICK TO ENLARGE. this is my kindergarten picture, school year 1971-72. wala pang martial law nung time na ito at maligayang maligaya pa ang pamilya namin. on the extreme left: my beloved teacher, mrs. chaves. siya ang asawa ng high school principal namin. both are very close to my heart. it's funny how time flies. kailan lang eh nagsisimula ka pa lang mag-aral, ngayon ikaw nang nagpapa-aral. some of the people you see in this picture are still my friends. in fact, they are my dearest and most intimate friends. nagkikita pa rin kami ngayon on a regular basis. magkukumpare, many times over. we still have fun and tell the same school stories over and over again. hulaan nyo kung nasan ako rito? siret... upper most row, 3rd student from the left. ako yung naka bungisngis
this is my kindergarten picture, school year 1971-72. maligayang maligaya pa ang pamilya namin during this time. less than a year after this picture is taken, marcos will declare martial law and my dad will lose his job at ABS-CBN. many years later, charo santos will rip off the show that he created and made popular.on the extreme left: my beloved teacher, mrs. chaves. siya ang asawa ng high school principal namin and both are very close to my heart. it’s funny how time flies. kailan lang eh nagsisimula ka pa lang mag-aral, ngayon ikaw nang nagpapa-aral.some of the people you see in this picture are still my friends to this day. in fact, they are my dearest and most intimate friends. nagkikita pa rin kami ngayon on a regular basis. magkukumpare, many times over. we still have fun during reunions and tell the same school stories over and over again, much to the dismay of our bored wives.

hulaan nyo kung nasan ako rito? siret… upper most row, 3rd student from the left. ako yung naka bungisngis – i.e. ngiting hanggang tenga na parang nababaliw.

ANG DATING FOLK SINGER NG MA MON LUK

nag simula akong mag-aral ng gitara ng 1979, a great music year. it was also a time of great change for me. i was 13 years old at bukod sa problema ko about my daily erections, my mom and dad had just split up. para matanggal ang lungkot, nag-aral akong mag gitara. self study lang, kaya amateur pa rin ako to this very day.

nalaman ko: ang pinakamadali palang paraan para matuto ay basahin ang jingle magazine beatles chordbook. pag tiningnan mo kasi ang mga kanta ng beatles – from their early days to their final “abbey road” LP, mayroong progression ng degree of difficulty. so, you start with the 3 chord, “love me do”. then as your skill grows, you try their “revolver” songs then graduate with the hard songs of “sgt. pepper’s” and the “white album”.

one weekend, i took out my guitar and recorded some songs. no overdubs, no practice – just plain 1 take eveything kaya recorded lahat ng mga mali, tawa at background coaching ni jet. online na ang mga ito ngayon at pwede nyong marinig (kung gusto nyo, hehe) sa “MGA KANTA NI BATJAY, ANG DATING FOLK SINGER NG MA MON LUK”. hindi naman ako magaling kumanta but i’ve got a lot of soul (and a lot of lakas ng loob). kaya, pag pasensyahan nyo na.

THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE

the best toilets in the world are in japan. they come fully automated at mauupo ka na lang. at a push of a button, siya nang bahalang nag hugas ng pwet mo. mayron kang option to spray and splash your pwet with hot or cold water. what's more, yung toilet seat itself is heated. i always look forward to my trips to tokyo because of this.
ito yung litrato ng toilet seat ng hotel room ko sa tokyo. hightech yan. de pindot lahat ng controls at di mo na kailangan ng tabo-tubig combo, toilet paper or punas. sa bandang kaliwa ng bowl ay may push button station from where you operate this contraption. click nyo na lang yung picture to enlarge kung malabo nang mga mata ninyo. anyway, mayrong volume control para sa lakas ng tubig – from “pffft,pffft” spray to “oh my god, i’m coming”. mayrong din push buttons to rinse pwet, spray pwet and air-dry pwet. the seat is also heated – malaking advantage pag winter para di tuluyang lumiit ang pototoy mo. fully automated, kaya pag-upo mo, the whole thing turns on. if you look closely at the lid, nandon yung manual na may english instruction. ahhh, the wonders of technology, it’s leally belly belly implesib.

malakas ang appeal nitong automated toilet sa akin dahil ito ang trabaho ko. no dummy, i don’t make toilet seats. ako’y isang automation engineer at yung principles na ginagamit to automate japanese toilets are the same principles i use in my job. asamateropak, kaya ko sigurong i-automate ang banyo ko sa pilipinas. masubukan nga.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

pinabili ko sa opismeyt kong galing sa US. this is one of the best movies to come out this year. magaling ang direction ni sophia coppola, asawa ni (“adaptation” at “being john malkovich” director) spike jonze at anak ni francis ford. in this film, she comes out of their shadows. magaling din ang acting ni bill murray at scarlett johansson, subtle but with a big kick. nasa japan ako last year for a week (about the same amount of time that murray’s character was there) . naramdaman ko rin yung alienation but at the same time fascination with the japanese, their culture and way of life.

isang nakaka aliw na ugali ng mga hapon ay ang pag sunod nila sa de numerong schedule. kasama kong namasyal ang aking host na si ikegami-san. the night before binigyan niya ako ng schedule. kahit pleasure trip yung weekend ay talagang detalyado doon ang mga gagawin namin. poreksampol: 7:00 wake-up, 7:15 wait at lobby, 7:17 walk to train station, 7:22 ride train, 7:34 get out of train and ride bus, 7:47 walk to tokyo tower, etc. etc. tiningnan ko siya with an ‘are you kidding me’ look. apparently he was serious.

nung mga 11:30, nagutom na ako.
batjay-san: “ikegami san let’s have lunch”.
ikegami-san: “but jay-san, our schedule says we have lunch at 12:30.”
batjay-san: “drop the schedule. i’m hungry. let’s eat.”
ikegami-san: buntonghininga, simangot, punit sa schedule… “ok jay-san, we have lunch“.