BREAKING NEWS:

7:30 AM – according to vatican sources, pope benedict is resigning because after 86 years, he can’t stand being a virgin anymore.

7:35 AM – the obama administration just announced that hilary clinton will replace pope benedict. she will be known as pope shirley, after the singer of those popular james bond songs in the 60s and 70s

7:50 AM – i just heard that the vatican is thinking of creating a reality show to find the next pope. it’s going to be called “red hat idol”

7:55 AM – they just announced the judges for “red hat idol”, the reality show to find the next pope – it’s father, son, holy ghost and paula abdul.